Working the Steps Today
They have just transported my daughter on a gurney to the operating room and I have at least 2 hours to wait, to pray and to choose between working the steps and agonizing. I am powerless over the outcome, as I was powerless over what brought us to the hospital today
She had arthroscopy surgery in June because she severed her ACL ligament playing softball. After months of therapy the doctor released her to her Activities of Daily Living with the exception of having to wear a brace during competitive sports. Her knee went out again in October when she was wearing her brace, playing softball. "Why?" she asked, "why has this happened to me again?" I could only tell her it was because she didn't "get it" the first time: that she may have to build new dreams that don't include competitive sports or breaking marathon records or triathlon records.
The unmanageability of my life addressed in Step One reminds me that I cannot will her to stop competitive sports or control her thoughts about her life choices nor can I confine her to a prison of safety because I imagine it would make me comfortable. She is my baby after all.
So now I can come to believe that my Higher Power will restore me to sanity. I can learn to accept that she has every right to her choices, decisions and dreams. I can work on relinquishing control of this individual, expecting her to do what I think is right for her to do. I can stop manipulating because "mother knows best".
And then I can make the decision to turn my life (and hers) and my will over to the care of my Higher Power, comfortable in the knowledge that the outcome of this surgery, including my fears about anesthesia, is in God's hands.
I started this day in Step 11 .... seeking with prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand God. As the hour hand on the clock moves on to I over and over again, I know that I too will gratefully repeat the steps again and again. I am thankful for the guidelines to living that the steps offer me I am thankful for having been led to a 12 Step Program.
In the spirit of the fellowship,
Joan N. (2000)