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Realization

I have just begun to realize the effect co-dependency has had on my life. I have struggled for years with low self esteem and self-destructive tendencies such as heavy drinking and an obsessive compulsive disorder. I have tried to break these habits before but always ended up returning to them. I now realize they were only symptoms of another, bigger problem and just trying to stop drinking etc wasn't enough.

I was in a (I now realize, dysfunctional) relationship that broke down about a year ago. My partner left me after 10 years for someone he had met at a party two days previous. He had not indicated he was unhappy in our relationship prior to the split. I live completely on my own for the first time in my life and it has meant I have had to look at what I want to do with my life. I have realized that I do not know what I want or who I am. I have been trying to find happiness through other peoples approval and have consequently lost touch with what really makes me happy. I have been so scared of other people as I felt they had the power to take any happiness I had away from me. I started reading a book the other day and it has had a profound effect on my way of thinking already. I have managed to quite the inner stream of self-criticism that I had been subjecting myself to. The relief of finding a part of myself that doesn't want to look for the mistakes, that wants me to be happy and that actually likes me was enough to make me cry.

There are so many aspects of my life which have been affected and damaged but I am finally seeing a way forward. I am hoping to find a CoDA meeting nearby and have sent a mail requesting info. 

Ellie F.


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