- Tapes In My Head
Oh I knew it was I that was the clever one,
Acting the clown, it started as fun.
They laughed at me and the attention was great,
Little did they know I felt second-rate.
I'd do anything to please them just love me at best,
For the person I was, well that was the test.
They said that they loved me, but I wasn't quite sure,
For not even they knew for sure who they were.
The older I got, the pain would grow deep,
I'd cry in the day and wake from my sleep.
The drugs and the booze would numb it away,
For the things they had said kept me in disarray.
I headed out West for the geographical cure,
I was sure I would feel a lot more secure.
As life went on, I had married two times,
First one died, second one left in springtime.
The birth of my daughter would save me at best,
From all the destruction that I'd manifest.
Raising her single, I'd know what to do,
But deep down inside I didn't have any clue.
The tools I was taught didn't teach me a thing,
They were lies and resentments with abandoning.
My pain it grew worse, left me empty inside,
Controlling was out, plus I couldn't decide.
I went to a hospital I knew I was sick,
The tapes in my head were up to their tricks.
The hospital told me the tapes in my head,
Were the same ones my parents had told me that said,
"You're not good enough and you're causing us shame,
And if you're not perfect, you're the one we will blame."
The hospital showed me some tools I could use,
Until I found meetings to help me diffuse.
But the best thing I learned from those people inside,
Were some meetings they mentioned, where I could decide.
I found one I love and they've taught me to grow,
To love myself more and go with the flow.
I've learned to set boundaries with me and with you,
And even my daughter now knows quite a few.
I'm learning to live and not just survive,
With these CoDA Meetings I'm learning to thrive.
I thank you Higher Power, for you knew all along,
That it was here that I'd find you and it's where I belong!