I have been made redundant for the second time in a row. In the same period of time my marriage ended and my grand mother died.

As this all happened over a period of 18 months, I can already see the purpose of some of this. My first redundancy was accompanied with a generous package that enabled me to buy my flat from my ex-husband. Looking for work (my last job) for 6 months also showed me that I was married to someone who was not going to be there for me, who needed me, demanded from me a lot of the time, but was never able to give in return any more. It was therefore with a sense of peace and serenity that I realized that my marriage had reached an end. And so it ended the day before I started my last job.

The year that followed my separation was chaotic to say the least. Too much going out, too much drinking, needing too much reassurance that I was still attractive (and getting lots of attention). I couldnít quite admit to myself that I had been so affected by the end of my marriage: was it not what I had wanted? It wasnít nice at all going through all this but I guess it had to be done and I certainly learnt an awful lot about myself. Amongst other things that thatís not how I want to live my life. Some of it was very positive as well. I heard people say very nice things about me. Iím sure people must have said nice things about me in the past but I was never able to hear them. Nevertheless I decided to stay single for a while. And I kept my resolution of not going out with anyone for, oh, a good 2 months! I remember asking God why it had to happen, why did I go out with ďhimĒ, I just didnít understandÖ

At least he was my type. Unlike most of the men Iíd been out with in the past. Well except that heís a  food addict who is not on a program. But by then it didnít matter, nor did the fact that heís a smoker, a definite no-no the day before I met him!

Work sent me abroad and I took a week off backpacking while I was there, as it was somewhere Iíd been wanting to go for 8 years. I had to go on my own, it was some kind of initiation journey after my separation from my husband. I took a book on co-dependency to read, as I was meeting ďhimĒ in the USA the week after (work again). Thank God they have meetings of my other fellowship in the United States, I couldnít have made it through that week without them. 

I came back to Europe, the relationship was over and I was devastated. My mother was here visiting me. She was here when I was made redundant. Seeing her react to the news was such an eye opener, it taught me so much about why I am the way I am. Why I couldnít get over ďhimĒ even though I hardly knew him. I was more suicidal about the relationship ending than the loss of my job.

As I said Iíd been asking God why the relationship had to happen. I believe that because he matched my dream partner so closely I was forced to look at how dysfunctional I am in relationships (otherwise it wouldnít have mattered and I would have moved on to the next one). Also if Iíd stayed in the job, today I would still be hoping for him to change his mindÖ(we worked for the same company but in different countries) It is also no coincidence that my mother was there when I was made redundant and that broke my denial about her being perfect (facing the anger was scary). She showed me where my co-dependency startedÖ

I cannot tell you how painful the summer has been. One main reason being that this was the first time I went through the pain of a relationship ending instead of using starvation to make me feel better. (And I believe I only have to do that once. Next time wonít be quite as bad.) Iíve been stripped of everything that I had back at the beginning of the Summer. What hurt the most was giving up my illusions. If only I had a thin body, the right man and the perfect job Iíd be happy. Of course Iíve been in recovery long enough that I KNOW this isnít true but ACCEPTING it means accepting myself, as I am. And accepting Godís love for me. Thatís the toughest thing in recovery. I seem to have to learn this lesson at a deeper level time and time again. Iíd hide behind my eating disorder or my co-dependency any time. But today those are no options. And itís sooo hard. But Iím getting there. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I get good days (feeling loved by and close to God) and bad days (I worry about not getting a job) but Iím learning the lesson I was supposed to learn. Not grudgingly, rather gratefully. At times I am amazed that God decided that I should have recovery. My heart goes out to those people who never make it, even more so to the ones who come and decide to go than the ones who never find out about recovery.

I also want to mention that I was made redundant 5 days after the mortgage for my flat transferred to my sole name and 1 day after I qualified for redundancy insurance. I can see the hand of God in that. Also in being able to go to abroad twice this year. Both were spiritual journeys. Some day Iíll also have to tell you about training for a marathon.

Iím saying all that like Iím over it all. Not quite yet Iím afraid. I donít know what tomorrow holds but as I said I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I like this quote: ďwe understand life backward but we have to live it forwardĒ. Thatís so true for me today.

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