A collection of poems - by John T.
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These are poems I have written since Petee' started talking about
leaving and through her departure.
 
The heaviness is constant
the sadness
the dull ache
 
the heaviness is constant
there is no joy
there are no real smiles
 
the heaviness is constant
emptiness, numbness
the light has become dark
 
the heaviness is constant
the loss of a limb
more painful?
oooh the hurt
the feelings of unworthiness
was it ever real, was the love a mirage
or fantasy
who said the rug was pulled
the ground itself, the surface
just disappeared
and I can't stop falling
 
the heaviness is constant
 
I wrote this and thanx to my support and meetings, I have stopped falling. The pain remains but there is some hope and gratitude. And I have remembered that I am still a complete unique and precious creation.
That was the first one I wrote after her telling me she was going to leave.
The rest are after she left, which was two months later.
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Every night I dread walking up those steps, upstairs.
Upstairs is reality.
Upstairs I cannot pretend.
Upstairs the loss cannot be ignored.
Upstairs I am alone.
 
Upstairs I will round the corner with anticipation.
I peer into the bedroom, wondering if this is a nightmare of which I may awaken.
I peer into the room with trepidation, anxiety, and fear.
 
I look, I pause, I stop.
My knees weaken for a moment and then I steady myself..
I am upstairs.
I am upstairs and I am alone.
My wife is gone. She is not asleep in the bed. She is not on the way home.
She is gone.
and I am upstairs
alone.
Every night I dread walking up those steps
Tonight
Upstairs
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Saturday Night
 
The TV is running
but I'm not paying attention
The TV is flashin
but I do not see or hear a thing,
The TV is playin
but I sit in a daze, loss in the emptiness of a
Saturday night.
I used to hear others talk about those
Saturday nights
I used to hear others share their loneliness, hurt, and sadness, on those
Saturday nights
I used to hear others say that Saturday nights were tough, hard, and overwhelming
I used to shrug my shoulders,
empathize, with their feelings, and wonder
I used to think "what would that feel like, I like to be alone on Saturday nights"
and then my wife left me
and now it's
Saturday night.
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Saturday Night, part deux,
 
I was walkin the streets, lonely, but not alone
by myself, but not alone..
the air was cool, it had rained
the rain had stopped,
the pain had stopped,
just for the moment, just in that breath of air, hmmmm, a nice deep breath
the rain had stopped,
the pain had stopped,
the ground was still wet, my heart still ached...
but in that moment, I was grateful
in that moment, their was a light, dim, but bright enough..
the rain had stopped, the pain had stopped,
everywhere I looked
couples, holding hands, kissing, walking arm and arm
couples, laughing, giggling, enjoying each other,
but in that moment, I was grateful
in that moment, I thought of my wife and smiled
for what once was
for the times on Saturday nights when we held, kissed, giggled, loved
in that moment, I was glad that I had loved and been loved
in that moment I was grateful, and not resentful,
the rain had stopped, the pain was a little further away,
maybe I will heal, I have healed some, it hurts but I have healed
the rain had stopped, my pain had stopped,
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Pain in da Library.........
 
the end is near
I know it, she knows it
How does one end their misery??
slow and painful, hoping for a reprieve?
slow and painful, wishing for the antidote?
slow and painful, hangin on, not letting go
not letting go
the end is clear
is near
such fear, such hurt, sadness not letting go
just end it, begin anew
such fear
begin anew
let go of the fantasy, what once was, is no more
no more
continue the healing
continue the healing
thru the fear, hurt, sadness,
let go of what has gone & begin anew....
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Acceptance
therein lies the lesson
lesson, what am I to learn
that I hurt
that I bleed
I cry
what am I to learn
that I love
will I love
will I trust
will I be loved
what am I to learn
nothing is promised
take nothing for granted
change is inevitable
take nothing for granted
what am I to learn
I've grown
I've not grown
change
see the gifts in the pain
learn to love again?
not today! no thanx!
 
Lafiya & Healthy Choices,
John T.