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Today I am in the throes of my codependency, and it’s so painful to admit that I'm not where, in my head, I believe I should be. And yet CoDA 12 Step has taught me, gleefully, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Now I can exhale.
 
Because of decades of struggling in and out of recovery, sometimes believing that I could do recovery by myself, Consciousness did for me and others like me what we could not nor would do for ourselves: create internalized, spiritual change. Exhaling. Letting go of what I no longer need and creating space for what Consciousness has meant for me to have within my spirit. The contention I was dealing with earlier was a pattern I've had with the opposite sex since I became sexual as a young adult. Sex first, then I'll get to know you later, only to find out I don't really like you or I don't want to invest the time to get to know you. The reality was that I didn't know me.
 
It was only through the rooms, the 12 Steps, the literature, the fellowships, the leading of groups—I put myself up there to be of service to others when I didn't even know what it meant to be of service to others—the lamentations, and the identifications that I came to know myself. Thanks to the CoDA member who shared how the icebergs around our hearts were thawing. Well, I find that the frozen circle I had placed around my heart after the dissolution of the relationship with my last romantic impulse twenty years ago has once again begun to thaw. This time there hasn't been any sexual activity because I've learned to ask Consciousness to make known to me why this person I'm lusting after has been brought into my personal space. It was to show me how, in the 5th grade, I learned to associate feelings of love for a person when that older person sexually molested me. Again Consciousness did for me (and probably others like me) what I could not do for myself: unearth the source of my unhealthy behaviors. Now that a weakness has been uprooted, looked at and cleaned, I can delve into my arsenal of CoDA strengths and use an appropriate behavior, never to repeat the bad one again.
 
Peace & Joy - Ernestine 


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